i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
