Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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