Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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