some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
i believe in u and ur pee
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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