I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
