You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
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