White coat. Heels.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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