I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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