I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
