I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
