dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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