I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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