Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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