Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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