Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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