it wasn't lemon gatorade
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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