Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
