fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I have feelings that need drinking.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
