And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
