I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
