"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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