The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
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Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
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You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize