You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
