You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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