I just pynch a tree in the face
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I need to wash the frat house off of me
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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