I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
