i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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