We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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