mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
