I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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