the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Your shirt... Was in my pants
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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