we're chasing vodka with high fives
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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