im about as happy as oj after his trial
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
What happened to fro yo and sex?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
