How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
