I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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