Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
