Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
