did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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