Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
