Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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