Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
