whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
