I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
He better not be in your backpack
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
