I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
My ass is underappreciated
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
