my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
