whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Randomize
