Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
