"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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