There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
