So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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