I accidentally had phone sex last night
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
How's work?
Spinning.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Randomize
