remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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