I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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