My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
