I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
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